I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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