Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
