did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
