someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize