WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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