Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize