I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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