The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i now understand why vodka
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
