It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
