Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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