I think scott just propositioned me for sex
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
