Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
