Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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