I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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