just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
