I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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