I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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