drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
