I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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