take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
