he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
