Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
