Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
