so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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