I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize