hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
