I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
