Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
