Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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