I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
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