Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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