i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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