Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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