I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
