just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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