He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
