Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
