How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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