I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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