Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
