I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
