Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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