Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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