You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
