im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
