his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
