I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
