Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
