in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
