You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
