i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
