How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
