Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
