Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
